Gonna Write Me a Novel

I've been reading a little junk food for the brain lately. You know, those frivolous books that have no real redeeming value other than the simple fact that they're tasty.

Right now it's Michael Crichton's latest. An anti-ecologist rant that finds the wise and learned scientist battling eco-terrorists and misinformed Hollywood liberals. (Methinks that maybe Michael had his butt kicked in court over some land use dispute or something. He's quite angry with the tree huggers of the world and by virtue of his status as Best Selling Author he's decided to whip them in public by way of this book. It has its moments, but is entirely too preachy for me.)

Never mind for a moment Michael's particular slant in this book, the fact is that he's selling a ton of them because he is a master of The Best Selling Novel Formula. It goes like this:

Add 1 regular guy thrown into unusual circumstances.

Mix in a beautiful, brilliant, and independent woman.

Add a quirky villain with a nefarious plot with plenty of henchmen at his disposal.

Toss all three into an improbable scenario that involves something of high interest to lots of people. In Crichton's case it's terrorism and ecologists, but pick just about any best-selling book and you'll find the familiar formula.

Dan Brown's DaVinci Code? Let's see. Rugged regular guy.

Check.

Beautiful independent and vaguely unattainable woman?

Check.

Villains?

Oh yeah, villains going all the way back to the Crusades. Mega check.

And of high interest to most people?

Uh, the descendents of Jesus and Mary Magdalene? Yeah, I believe Dan gets a check for that one too. For that matter, Dan gets lots of checks these days, if you know what I mean.

So what the heck. I can do that. I'm thinking of calling my first novel "Fearsome Fundamentalists" and it will feature a somewhat nerdy youth pastor who preaches against the evils or rock and roll on his personal web site, only to be caught up in a plot by evil record company executives to cripple the Internet and put an end to music sharing once and for all. The hero is thrown in with a tough talking and hard-drinking rocker girl in the mold of Gwen Stefani. Or maybe Joan Jett. Tough, independent and beautiful, but with a vulnerable side. Together they jet all over the world undoing the work of the master criminals until the exciting conclusion at the Vatican when they discover that....

No, you'll have to wait for the ending. But suffice it to say that I plan to pour in all the important elements of the modern best-selling author. Then maybe I'll be the one collecting the checks.