Mockingbirds: The Lounge Lizards of the Animal Kingdom

It's springtime here in south Florida and that means one thing: the mockingbirds are at it again.

If there is any animal out there with a more desperate, strident, and overly-enthusiastic mating ritual I'd be truly frightened to come into contact with it. As I write this, with the doors and windows of the house closed and the air-conditioning happily burbling away I can still hear the darn mockingbird on the telephone pole out back.

And what exactly has he been "singing" about since 4:00 this morning? One can only assume that it's something like this:

"Come on baaaaaaaaaaaaabeee! Come on babeeee! Over here!! Here I am! Come on baaaaaaabeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

This has been going on for 3 hours non-stop now, and will continue every morning until Mr. Mockingbird finds what he needs.

For gosh sakes, aren't there any female mockingbirds in the neighborhood? Would one of you please put this poor pathetic sod out of his misery and give it up a little. Or is this like the old joke about foreplay involving four hours of begging. Except in the mockingbird's case it's more like two months of constant "Come on babeeee!!! Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase come over here and see me!. I've got bugs. A Ferrari. Gold chains. What's your sign babeeeeeeee?"

Ack. I feel for the guy, truly I do. I know what it's like to long for female companionship of the intimate kind. After all, I've been married for nearly 18 years and my wife and I have as much trouble finding time for quality canoodling as these poor birds apparently do. But good Lord, I'm a little embarrassed for the poor thing. Back in the day when I was single and looking I'd feel the same unease watching middle-aged guys hitting on everything in a skirt, only to be rejected again and again. Mockingbirds are just like that, only much more public in their efforts and apparently feeling no shame about advertising their desperation.

(Then again, single middle-aged guys with loud motorcycles may be the current equivalent of the desperately lonely male trying all the wrong things to impress the ladies."Vrooom! Hey babeeee! VROOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Check out my deep throaty rumble!")

Some come on lady mockingbirds. Do us all a favor and get this guy settled down. You know you want to build a nest and get on with the whole baby mockingbird making and raising thing. Why make all of us suffer? I'll sleep better and our boy will be a whole lot happier if you'll just consent to the hook up that he is so vociferously asking for.

Besides, if this goes on much longer I may have to pull out the old BB gun and there will be one less mate for you to choose from.