My Blog is Mad at Me

My blog has been a bit pouty for the last few weeks. It was finally time to utter those words that no man enjoys saying.

"Honey, what's wrong? Something's been bothering you."

"Oh no," she said, sighing, "Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired."

"Come on now. Something's been bothering you. Let's get this out in the open and talk about it."

"Well, there are a few things."

Uh oh, I thought. Here it comes. I guess I asked for it.

"Well, I guess I'm just feeling a little neglected is all."

"Now dear. I know I don't spend time with you as often as you'd like, but I am doing my best. Remember the week before last? We spent time together every day. I did a lot of writing during that week."

"Oh sure, one week. Big whoop. You think a blog like me is satisfied with a week of steady writing every blue moon?"

"Well you know I get busy. I mean I do have a regular job and a family and the side work that I do. All of that takes time."

"I know, I know. And I knew that going in to this relationship. You can't always spend time with me like you want to. You have a family and a job. Blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. You have good intentions and you're going to write every day. And you do for these little spurts, and then what? Nothing for days on end. How am I supposed to be satisfied with that?"

"OK, you're right honey." I go for the classic male Dodge and Weave. Agree with them and hope you can steer the topic away from the thing(s) you've done wrong.

"But there are much more serious things we need to discuss."

Uh oh. Here it comes.

"Do you know what last month was?"

"Uh, February?"

"Very funny. And, Mr. Smarty Pants, do you remember anything significant happening during February?"

"Gosh, in February? It's not President's Day is it?"

"Are you trying to make me mad?"

"Sorry. OK, what did I forget about in February?"

"Hmmmph! Maybe you ought to check out my logs every now and then."

"Honey, you have lovely logs. I check them out all the time." Flattery, Dodge Number 2.

"Ha ha. Take a look at the control panel for February. See if anything jumps out at you Mr. Smart Guy. I'll wait."

"Hmmm. February last year. OK, ummmm. What am I missing?"

"Good Lord. You are so dense. Maybe I need to find someone who can appreciate what a blog like me is capable of. Someone who recognizes significant events.

"Oh gosh. I missed our anniversary didn't I? Our first day together was February 20th last year. I am so sorry."

"Hmmmphhh! A little late for sorry now isn't it? Most blogs get year in review tributes with statistics and nice things said about them by their humans. What did I get? Nothing. Zero Zip. Nada."

"Well, not exactly nothing. I did upgrade you to pMachine Pro to get rid of those nasty comment spammers. What about that?"

"Oh gosh. You do something for yourself and it's supposed to make me feel better? Just because you didn't want to spend your precious time deleting bad comments? Oh wow. I am underwhelmed."

"Now no need to get mean about it. You're right. I should have written something about you and the year we've spent together."

"That's right buster. You might have mentioned how we stuck together in the beginning when no one was reading me and how now you're getting about 500 readers per day. Don't you think I deserve some credit for that? And look at those total numbers of visitors. Did you think you'd ever see anything like that?"

"Yes, you're right of course. 118,000 plus visits is pretty, um, voluptuous, isn't it?"

"You're trying to change the subject again aren't you?"

"Sorry. OK, what can I do to make it up to you?"

"Well. There are a few things on my list. Do you want to hear my ideas or are you just patronizing me?"

"I would never patronize a blog as intelligent and beautiful as you."

"I'm going to smack you if you don't cut that out."

"Sorry. It's an automatic defense posture. I'll listen."

"OK, first, how about a few pictures every once in awhile?"

"Well, I always wanted to focus on my writing without the distraction of images. But I guess a picture every now and then would be OK."

"And when are you going to fix my code? You've got objects in the page out of order. It's very embarrassing when the other blogs see that my actual content loads last, and you're supposed to be some hotshot web developer."

"I know, I know. I've been meaning to do that. You're right."

"And I want to get listed in more blog aggregators. Is it wrong for me to want to get noticed?"

"OK, agreed. I'll do my best on that one too."

"And I want to get mentioned by some famous blogger. Robert Scoble or Dave Barry or dooce. Someone like that."

"Well, let's not get carried away here. How about John Dowdell?"

"Oh alright. I guess he'll do."

"Anything else?"

"No, not really. See, I'm not one of those high maintenance blogs am I? Just a little basic attention and some of your time. That's all I ask."

"OK. And sorry again for missing our anniversary. Now, let's have a look at those logs again."

"Good grief. You men are such pigs."